today i found myself happy i was smiling, i was laugiing  i was joyful all around i went out mid afternoon to get some food for dinner i cooked early and i ate early  what more could i ask for in a day? i started to work on a new book today i want it to almost be like a portfolio but more of an artistic expression of mine at this given time  but as i was writing it and piecing it together i got very sad I started to remember a few things about my past, about my childhood then I got even more depressed I remembered all the times I wrote alone. I remembered all the times I wrote things when I was emotional and about all the times I wish I had somebody to teach me what I was doing wrong all the times I wished I had a positive male role model in my life all the times I wished for my dad to be there for me and to teach me things. And then I sat there mid thought in my new book and pondered for possibly all of 30 seconds but it felt like hours on what I learned from my father and everything I thought I could have learned from him I didn’t I learned it myself. I thought about the computer things he could have taught me but then thought nope he just put it there and said figure it out and I did but he didn’t teach me. I thought about who taught me about women and it wasn’t him I taught myself about women and the birds and the bees I thought about simple things like who taught me to tie a tie. Wasn’t him I actually learned from a white man on YouTube before an event I had to go to so I felt ver puzzled and very emotional because I really worshipped someone who didn’t do anything for me. I then looked back again on when that relationship soured more and it was around the time I was 15 or 16 I think when I lost respect totally I can’t even remember why but I think it was around then. And when I finally got my own place and car all he ever did was down me on why I shouldn’t go after what I wanted in life and how I should save my money and this and that but nothing ever life worthy as far as advice was given to me. All I can remember from this man is that he hit my mom and was a jerk to me and that makes me sad today because it’s two important holidays today today is Father’s Day and today is Juneteenth. My father is lying on his death bed and I don’t know how to feel about it. I also don’t know who to tell about it. I just always in my life wanted better and wanted to do better but I may never get the chance to prove that my way worked and that I would be a good father because he will never see it my way whether now or ever because I was never able to have kids of my own to show him how I think it should have been done. 

Time is something you can’t get back but time is something that is always there until you waste it then you wish for it back I don’t feel sympathy for time wasters I don’t feel sympathy for people who wanna relive NO live now! You had your time what were you doing!?